This is not a Pipedream
by Dirk-Steadfast
Summary: Voldemort summons various villains from around the universe to help him come up with a plan to kill Harry Potter.


This is Not a Pipe Dream

Long shadows sundered across the broken walls of Voldemort's villainous lair. A garage by any other standard, but nevertheless villainous. As he smoked a magical Cubano, he pondered weak and wearily a plot to fell that darn Harry Potter. Too many times had the Dark Lord been outsmarted by a super team of children as well as one old man thankfully put out of his misery before senility could fully set in.

Through the cigar smoke Voldemort cried out, "Sevs! Sevs! Come hither! I need a change of clothes and your help thereby!"

"I live to serve," said Severus giving a small curtsy as he entered the dank doom hall, a replica of the Dark Lord's robes in his arms.

"And I have to hand it to you," said the evil one as he lifted his arms so his clothes would slide off more easily, "I was super impressed with the way you handled that Dumbledore situation. He was really starting to be a major pain in the magical 'you-know-what.'"

Severus breathed a heavy sigh of remorse, "Yes . . . We all had a good laugh about it later on."

"Anyway," Voldemort continued, spreading his arms and waiting for the baby powder application, "We have to find a way to get rid of this little Harry Potter problem."

"Well, you know, kids these days, they grow up so fast." Severus liberally applied the baby powder and began the rub down. Thirteen years of wizard massage school for this...

"As much as it pains me to say it, I think it may be time to enlist some help in this matter."

Severus displayed his powder-encrusted hands. "I'm helping you right now, my lord."

"No, I mean help with a child's murder. And who told you to stop rubbing?" Voldemort allowed his mind to drift, as Severus' hands also drifted.

Fearing blisters, Severus slowed down his rub, "You are the most powerful wizard alive; who could help you any more than you can help yourself?"

"You've been reading that Humanist trash again, haven't you?"

"This isn't about me right now-"

"Haven't you?!"

". . . Apologies, my lord, it was the only thing in the bathroom."

Voldemort straightened up as though a swami was playing a magical flute and he a very eager cobra, "There's a reason it's in the bathroom. Make sure it doesn't happen again. Hmm . . ." The dark Lord ran through a list of peoples who might share like-minded tendencies towards world domination in the most violent of ways.

Suddenly he had a thought with a million evil heads, an extra evil hydra of cogitation.

"By Salazar's shlong! I've got the biggest mind boner right now!"`

"Do you want me to leave?" asked Severus as he moved towards the door.

"No! Get the good parchment and ink! We're writing letters!"

Severus made to exit, but Voldemort stopped him. "Where do you think you're going?" queried the serpentine Dark Lord. "First, you have to rub the front." Voldemort flipped over on the table.

"But, my Lord, you promised never again..."

"I have altered my promise-pray I do not alter it any further. And put some moxy into it this time!"

#

Letters were sent, and in two day's time there would be a meeting of the minds between the world's most villainous of villains. Voldemort had invited everyone over at about seven, but he figured everyone would arrive around seven-thirty. He had Severus lay out a sensible arrangement of canapés, as well as drinks and a few bottles of wine that were nice but not too expensive.

Voldemort paced his lair, sipping nervously from a gin and tonic, while Severus worked the minibar and shook up some ice for the millionth time. "Why do they call it 'tonic'? It doesn't make me feel any better."

The clock struck 7:10 as the doorbell to the garage rang. Voldemort began to shout, "They're early! They're early!" If his sixth horcrux had not eliminated his pores, Voldemort would have been sweating. He smoothed out his robe and yelled, "What are you waiting for, Severus? Answer that!"

Severus hit the button that opened the garage door and waited patiently, arms crossed, for the guest to be revealed.

It turned out to be Sauron, Lord of Mordor, 9-feet-tall and barely clearing the garage door. His black armor made it hard to move around the foosball table that had been converted into an appetizer tray.

"Sauron!" Voldemort exclaimed. "So good to see you. How are things in Mordor?"

"Breathing, still breathing," Sauron said, hanging his cumbrous head. "It's making me depressed."

Voldemort didn't like being alone with Sauron, because he was pretty big downer. Usually there was a buffer between them, or they were watching a movie or something.

"You're here a little earlier than I thought you would be," said Voldemort, trying his best to smile.

"Being on time is just the polite thing to do," Sauron said, dipping a chip into a bowl of salsa, but breaking the bowl in the process, "You ever just have one of those days?"

"Almost exclusively," said Snape.

"The doorbell just rang again! Go see who it is!" Voldemort threw a peanut at his minion.

After another slow roll up of the door, Lord Zed was revealed.

"I brought Goldar, I hope that's cool. He's out getting our things," said Zed.

"What things?" asked Voldemort.

"My toilette. You know, _things!" _

"You don't think you're staying the night, do you?"

"Well I did come all the way from the moon! It's not a trip one likes to make twice in one day!"

"You can teleport!"

"Just be cool about this. I can crash on the couch."

"Look," Voldemort said, taking Zed aside, "if it were up to me, you'd be totally cool crashing here. But the thing is, Bellatrix is coming over later and we kinda use that couch for, you know, opening ceremonies..."

"Just marry her already," Zed said. "Trust me, all those problems go away."

Taking the hint, Voldemort asked, "How are things with Rita?"

"Not good," Zed said, helping himself to a tall brewski. "Not good."

Goldar made his way into the garage, sporting two very hefty bags. "Where can I put these down? My chiropractor says I really should have a spotter for anything more than fifty pounds."

"Back to the car with you!" Zed shouted. "There's been a change of plans. Call a Motel 6!"

"Are we still eating here?" Goldar whined.

"Well I am. You can make do until we get to the motel."

"But you promised!"

Lord Zed struck Goldar aside the mouth with his Z-stick, "I have altered the promise, pray I do not alter it any further!"

Speaking through a clutched hand, Goldar said, "You know my insurance doesn't cover dental!"

Voldemort now remembered why he liked Lord Zed so much.

Enter the shrill voice of Sauron: "Are these glutton-free?" Sauron was holding a small _Totino's _pizza roll underneath Snape's nose.

"If I didn't know five minutes ago," Snap said through gritted teeth, "what makes you think I would know now?!"

"Maybe you checked the package..."

"Yes, as soon as you asked I was like 'Oh! That's the most important thing I can do right now!' I dropped everything and sprinted to the garbage to find out if you're snack was-!"

"Severus!" Voldemort shouted, displaying his ring hand. "The door!"

Again the slow roll of metal ground away to reveal a dapper looking man with a bald, shiny head, and wearing a sweet suit.

"Lex!" Cried Voldemort, "How's my favorite philanthropist?"

"Better than you, it seems. These premises are hardly prepossessing, but the letter said there would be pizza bagels. Lord knows I love me a good pizza bagel." Lex Luther ignored most of the people in the room as he moved towards the appetizers. Sauron stomped towards the billionaire.

"Hey, Lex, you're a pretty smart guy," asked the metal giant.

"Indubitably."

"Can you tell me if these have any gluten in them?"

"Get out of my way, you lumbering lummox! I have interns to tell me that sort of thing!"

So far, in Voldemort's mind, things were going swimmingly. He was helping himself to the third gin and tonic of the evening when declarative trumpets started blaring in an ominous fashion. Voldemort looked as two columns of Stormtroopers, each six men deep, marched into his garage. Voldemort dropped his drink and started waving his arms. "No no!" he shouted. "We can't seat this many!"

"They're with me," Darth Vader said as he entered behind his advanced guard.

Zed looked despondently at a fish stick in his hand. "Why didn't I get an entrance like that?" he asked. He chucked his fish stick at Goldar, who was waiting in the Honda ("Dhaaaagg!" Goldar yelped. "Are you gonna finish this?").

Darth Vader hit the stop button on his chest plate, and the music stopped. "Good to see you, Voldemort," he said, shaking hands with his host. "I hear you're having trouble with Harry Potter. I'm here to put you back on schedule."

"Finally! Someone with drive!" Voldemort said, clapping his pal on the shoulder. "Help yourself to some wine."

"I don't have the stomach for it."

"Ah, can't hold your liquor?"

"No, I literally don't have a stomach."

There was an awkward silence, broken only by the sound of one stormtrooper telling another, "Dude, I know it's regulations not to take off the helmet, but it is Thirsty Thursday and I am a stickler for tradition."

Vader extended his hand and began to force-choke the unfortunate officer. "I find your lack of adherence to regulations disturbing," he said as the stromtrooper collapsed dead onto the ground.

"Dude! Not on the carpet! You know most people poo right after death!" said the irate Dark Lord.

"Do you need a cleaner," said Lex, "I know a good one."

"No. No minions inside the garage!"

"Fine," Vader sighed, chucking the unfortunate soldier out through the door. He then turned to another one of his Stormtroopers saying, "You are now in charge, Captain Perry."

"My name's Smith and I'm already a Major."

"You're starting to disturb me, Smith."  
"I'll get out of your hair, I mean . . . I'll just go." The Stormtroopers filed out of the room.

Just when Voldemort was on the cusp of calling off this sausage-fest, a much-needed woman entered. Actually, scratch that, she wasn't needed at all. It was Medusa the Gorgon. Shortly thereafter, the rest of the party arrived: there was Bane, who brought his own hook on which to hang his jacket; Sarah Kerrigan, who technically wasn't invited but Sauron thought she was really pretty and awesome and had begged Voldemort to ask her out for him; there was Komodo from _Warriors of Virtue_, who really no business being there, but he was real tight with Lex; Team Rocket showed up shortly after that, Jesse announcing that all should "prepare for trouble", with James replying, "and make it double!..and on the rocks" (Snape did, and James drank way too fast); Jafar showed up, even though people were worried he still hadn't gotten over the death of his bird; Pennywise the Dancing Clown handed out balloons, but only Goldar accepted and he was summarily punished by his master; Bowser couldn't fit inside, so he was forced to wait outside the garage (Ganandorf laughed as he walked by him).

"Just you wait! I'm gonna start my own club with Motherbrain, and it'll be awesome, and none of you are invited!" Bowser then pulled out a picture of Princess Peach and cried.

Refreshments were handed out to all who weren't already refreshed (but James was a little too refreshed, if you know what I mean). Finally Voldemort was able to seat everyone around two pingpong tables pushed together. "Okay," he said, rubbing his hands vigorously, "let's get started. We all know why we're here-"

"I don't know why we're here," Sarah said.

"Well," Snape said, "I don't know why _you're _here, space hussy."

Sauron threw Snape a pleading look that seemed to say, "Please please please!" Snape waved him off.

"Anyway," continued Voldemort, "I've gathered you all here, you who are the most vile and despicable of villains, to help me slay my most hated enemy, Harry Potter."

Bane spoke up, "I don't really like working with kids . . . unless they need a reckoning."

"Yeah, and I'm really more of an anti hero," said Jafar.

"Don't. Lie. To me," said Snape looking extra scowly.

"I know I put on airs a lot, but I'm just a confused boy who's been lead down the wrong path," spoke a shy Vader.

"Here we go," Lex said while running a hand over his bald head, "Who's ready to march in the pity parade?!"

"Oh boy! I love me some parades!" Pennywise then began to spin his spinner.

Lex, head shining in the fluorescent light, turned to Pennywise, "You are one creepy ass motherfucker, you know that? And I have made it a point to never work with clowns."

"Try living with one," muttered Jesse. James spun around in his chair with abandon.

Lex got up to leave. As he exited he shouted to Voldemort, "Call me next time you wanna do nine holes."

"Wait! Lex!" Bane called. "Your money and infrastructrue will prove useful!"

Zed waved his hand. "Let him go. There's enough women here as it is."

Medusa raised her hand. "Ah, point of order: I take huge offense to that remark. Speaking for all the evil women in the world, we have worked very hard to get where we are, and we deserve the same respect as the men villains. I was reading a study posted on ...actually it was more of an op-ed piece..."

A collective, exasperated sigh made its way around the pingpong tables.

"... it said that, historically, women have been suffering under what's called 'The Patriarchy'." She looked at Jesse and Kerrigan. "Ladies, back me up here."

Neither women said anything. Sauron said mousily, "I respect your opinion."

Kerrigan put a hand on his thigh. "You're such a good friend," said she, "And nothing more."

Snape fancied that he witnessed the shattering of Sauron's fragile heart. Snape didn't mind. Although, Snape wondered, what would become of that sizable ring Sauron had purchased?...

"Alright!" Voldemort said. "Everybody calm down!"

Komodo, who was two or three crayons short of a full box, began to shake his head and shout, "Look at me! Look at me!"

Kerrigan raised an eyebrow. "Can someone put him down?... I mean, _I'll_ do it, if need be..."

"I think we're getting a little off topic here," said a now hesitant Voldemort.

"I'd also like to point out," Said Medusa, almost cutting the dark lord off, "That Ganandorf has been staring at my chest this entire time!"

"I'd look you in the eyes if I felt like being immortalized in statue form! Believe me, if I wanted to see two soggy flapjacks I'd go to an IHOP." responded the Gerudo.

Zed yelled out, "Amen to that, brother," then he held a hand aloft, waiting for what he thought would be a storm of high-fives.

Only Goldar, that faithful dolt, answered the call. "Of course, my lord!" he said.

Zed punched Goldar in the throat.

"Please everyone!" Voldemort cried. "We must come up with a way to get rid of Harry Potter! My soul may be in seven pieces but I am still merely one man."

Jafar scoffed. "And he is but one boy..."

Pennywise blew up a balloon and then let it go in Jafar's face. The farting sound really lightened the mood. "Don't listen to them, Tom. Kids happen to be my specialty." He addressed the group: "How many of you can take the form of a giant space spider?" Pennywise stretched his hand all the way to the ceiling. No one else raised a hand.

Ganandorf eyed Voldemort and suppressed smirk. "Tom?" he asked. "Your name is Tom?! As in the Tank Engine?!" He began to laugh.

Jafar took up the baton of bullying and began to sing:

_So Voldy_

_Turns out to be_

_Simply Tom Riddle!_

_Hang your head_

_Seven times dead_

_Can't kill a boy!_

"At least I can get a date!" Voldemort retorted.

Ganandorf slammed his fists onto the table, sending chips and dips up towards the ceiling. "I was born into a clan made up entirely of horny bisexual women. I literally had to turn girls into statues to get them to leave me alone!"

"Boo hoo!" Bane said, rubbing his eyes in a comical fashion. "I was born in the darkness, molded by it. You were molded by the teat of feminist gooble-gobble!"

"That's it!" Medusa said, rising from her chair. "It's time to mount and stuff this chauvinist pig!"

"You've been beckoning for a reckoning all night!" Bane slammed his fist onto the button that controlled the flow of Venom into his system, causing the mercenary to inflate to twice his normal size, also causing much of the dip on the table to be knocked off, much to Sauron's dismay.

"Not the dip! My chips are lonely now!" The lord of Mordor cried.

Medusa leapt over the table, spilling all sorts of things to the floor. Her prehensile tail wrapped around Bane's throat, and she tried to force him to look into her eyes. A red beam flashed across the neck of the gorgon, and her head fell from her shoulders like a ripe melon from the back of a shoddy wagon.

"All too easy," said Vader bad-assely.

Darth Vader helped Bane to his feet, "You make a powerful ally, Bro. How often do you work out?"

"Every day. No cardio, no legs."

Just then the face part of Medusa's severed head exploded like an overheated ceramic bowl. When dust settled Darth Vader was looking at his own face.

"This shit be cray. Snape, grab some vinegar to clean this mess up," said the dark lord from space.

"That is exactly what I was hoping to do. Nothing could please me more at this juncture," Snape let out a heavy sigh and fetched a mop.

"Now that's what I call getting head," said James sloppily.

"Isn't it high time you killed yourself?" asked Meowth.

"Can everyone else hear the cat talking?" asked Kerrigan, "It's not just me, right?

James fell from his chair and said everyone was his best friend in the fuckin' world.

Voldemort, his robes now soaked through with panic-and-shame sweat, which shouldn't have been able to happen since he didn't have pores, whispered to Zed, "I'm losing them. Help me out!"

Zed threw his hands in the air. "Why don't you just do that teleport thing you do, find the kid when's he jerking it or something and put a magic bullet right between his eyes! That's how I finally got rid of the Power Rangers!"

Goldar clapped his hands in excitement. "You can even say something cool when you kill him, like 'Bet you never thought this time would cum!' Get it?!"

Sarah Kerrigan laughed and started playing with her hair. "Haha! You're, like, so funny! Do you have a girlfriend? Are you seeing anyone?" She stroked Goldar's lustrous mane as her other hand ventured south.

"Don't touch me there, you scabrous Jezebel!"

Sauron finished his chip and stood up, fuming with rage. "How dare you insult milady?!" From parts unknown he drew a flaming mace and put it upside Goldar's head.

"What's happening-" was all Goldar had time to say before he got a face fulla mace.

"That was very sweet of you, Sauron, and I love you platonically, but I am more than capable of defending myself." Kerrigan then used her awesome psychic powers to explode Goldar's face all over everyone else's.

Jesse yelled out, "Its super effective!"

Komodo jumped onto the table and began dancing and yelling gibberish.

"Yucky! These were my dress shoulder-pads!" yelled an irate Jafar.

Ganandorf struggled to look past the strange dancing man on the table, but he was able to make eye contact with Jafar, "You sound just like your mom's vagina."

"What does that mean?" Jafar stood up from his seat, "I've had enough of you amateurs! Eat staff!"

"That's what I said to your mom!"

"GGARRARRRAGH!" Jafar flung his staff onto the table. When it landed it turned into a six foot long poisonous cobra.

"Nice trick, Moses," muttered Vader.

"Looks like we got an old fashion snake fight on our hands! I choose you, Arbokk!" Jesse threw out a pokeball, unleashing a much bigger, and more dangerous snake. "Arbok, use Murder!"

Bedlam ensued. Ganandorf and Jafar grappled; the snakes entwined into a terribly Gordian knot; Vader took out his lightsber and swung it wildly, like he did when he was an impressionable youth; Pennywise took on a more grotesque form and yelled "When I'm done with you, you'll all be floating!"; Sauron was reading a poorly written sonnet to a very uncomfortable Kerrigan; Jesse watched James machoke-ing his chicken ("Team Rocket's blasting off again!" he shouted at the moment of climax, his voice reaching an incredible falsetto); Zed lamented the loss of Goldar by saying over and over again, "Now who's going to do my laundry?"; Komodo continued to jig on the table.

Snape reentered the garage with big mop and bucket. He took a look around, about-faced, and went back inside to fix himself a stiff one.

Voldemort had lost all hope of controlling his wayward shindig. His eyes found Komodo. "If there is going to be anarchy," he said, "can someone at least kill the spare?"

Bane gave a friendly salute and rose. He lifted Komodo over his head. "I was wondering what would break first: someone's patience, or your body!"

The snaping of Komodo's spine brought everyone back to attention. Voldemort seized the opportunity. "My friends! Look at yourselves! Were we not brought together here for the most noble of intentions; to kill children? We're squabbling like a bunch of soon-to-be dead children!"

Everyone hung there head in shame. Ganandorf took this moment to punch a whole through Jafar's chest.

"He was unwise to lower his defenses," Vader commented.

"Shush!" Voldemort snapped. "I realize we are all on edge because we have all been relatively unsuccessful in our evilness. But let's not blame ourselves! It's easier to blame the children! Can't we forget our petty differences, and concentrate on what binds us together? Murder."

Jesse raised her hand. "What we like to do is dig a big hole. Then when our enemies walk by, they fall in it, and we take their stuff!"

"Good, good start!" Voldemort said.

"We can put spikes at the bottom of the whole!" Zed exclaimed.

"Spikes are cool!" Sauron said.

Voldemort snapped his fingers rapidly. "Good, we're starting to synergize. Keep the flow going!"

"I have a lot of experience with pits," Bane said. "You have to make sure there are no ledges for anyone to grasp onto and escape by!"

"Excellent! But what if they survive the spikes?"

Vader waved his lightsaber. "Then we can bomb the whole planet from orbit!"

"That's a little drastic, but I like your enthusiasm!"

Kerrigan squealed with delight. "I have a bunch of acid we can use!"

"That's really smart and clever and tastefully sexy," Sauron said.

"If they survive that," Ganandorf said, "I can always trap them in a crystal thing, and then we can do, you know, whatever with them..."

Pennywise began doing back flips. "Then we can torture them! I hear that redhead one's afraid of spiders!"

"WE HAVE A PLAN!" Voldemort solicited a holler from the assembled party. "Snape! Get in here and bring the bubbly!"

As the party began to wind down, the villains gathered their coats and prepared to depart.

Kerrigan was a little unblaanced. "I think I've had too much to drink tonight."

Sauron stepped in beside her. "You can crash at my place, if you want."

"So long as you sleep on the couch."

"You live in space?" Vader cut in. "_I'm _heading that way. You need a lift?"

Sarah Kerrigan eyed his bulbous codpiece lasciviously. "I can tell the force is strong with this one..."

"It's hydrolic," Vader said. The couple linked arms and departed.

Sauron cried. Tears could not be seen beneath his mask, but they were there. They were there.

Jesse was fending off the advances of Ganandorf. "Leave me alone!" she said.

"C'mon, baby," Ganandorf said. "The man you came here with is a sloppy mess. And I've got a two-handed mastersword!"

"Great. Master it yourself."

All in all, Voldemort was pleased with how his party had turned out.

Like a sudden thunder the building shook. Giant, terrible claws ripped into the top of the garage, peeling the roof back like a banana. Lurking in the sky, a veritable storm made manifest, a true behemoth of utter horror. The tangled mass of proboscis that made up what had to be a face squirmed as if looking for food. The black, soulless eyes focused on the party. Jesse and James both died of fright on the spot. The monster spoke, "I was told you guys had gluten free pizza-rolls."

The horror of this beast's voice caused Ganandorf and Zed to both go mad. Even Pennywise, who was himself an abomination from the stars, freaked.

"We've got to cheese it, guys!" He then jumped through a drain pipe.

"Cthulhu, my most eldritch friend! How's it hanging?" Voldemort asked.

"It was a no go on the pizza-rolls," added Sauron.

Cthulhu sighed (which caused an earthquake in Ecuador). "Well I guess I have no use for you guys then. Enjoy your stay in hell-it's better than R'yleh." With one mighty swipe of his gargantuan talons, Cthulhu laid waste to the entire garage, and part of Voldemort's mom's house.

#

That was when Snape woke up. "Oh"! He said to himself, wiping beaded sweat from his brow. "It was just a dream...a horrible, horrible dream..."

There was movement next to him. The covers shifted and chestnut hair rose up onto a pillow. "What's wrong, honeybear?" Hermione asked, her naked body spooning against his.

"Don't worry about it, sugarplum," Snape said. "It's all over now."

"Aww baby," Hermione cooed. "I think I have something that can help you sleep..."

Snape tilted an eyebrow and smiled. "I think I'm up for that."

"You said it, big boy!" said a voice on the other side of Snape. He turned and came face-to-face with the grim, doglike visage of Goldar.

"NOOOOOoooooooo..."

The End

Dedicated to the Cartoon Network that actually played cartoons.

Gone, but never forgotten.

**A/N: Everyone do yourselves a favor and watch the original 1997 _Warriors of Virtue _on youtube. You'll thank me later.**


End file.
